Just me being a bit philosophical.

One day, many years ago, there was an elderly man, who lived with his nephews. This man was quite fond of luxuries, wanting only the finest things in life; if anyone else had anything better than him, he either wanted it, or wanted it destroyed. Nobody, he decided, was allowed to have anything nicer than he had, not even his own family.

One day, his nephews left their home together, and he noticed that they had taken their checkbook with them. This piqued his curiosity; what on earth were they planning to buy that could be so expensive that they needed a check? He pondered over this for hours until they finally returned home. He immediately came down upon them, demanding to know where they had gone. However much he pried for information, however, they said nothing. This only served to make him curious and angry.

Finally, that night, when his nephews had gone to bed, he made his way into their room and took their checkbook. He looked through it until he found the page he was looking for; as he suspected, they had used one of their checks that day to purchase themselves a new car!

He was outraged; if they had hidden this fact from him, it could only mean that it was a nicer car than his own. They knew he would not stand for this; why else would they hide it from him? And so, he put on his slippers, grabbed a flashlight, and went looking for the new car...he would either take it for himself, or destroy it!

After hours of searching, he finally found it hidden in the gardener's shed behind their house. It was a beautiful car, much, MUCH nicer than his own. He knew his nephews, however, and knew that they wouldn't have bought this is if it wasn't also impossibly loud and fast. He had no love of their noisy speed machines, and decided that since he wasn't going to have it, they weren't going to either.

He slashed the tires. He slashed the seats. He crushed the headlights. He poured plant fertilizer into the fuel tank. He smashed in the windows. He smashed in the bodywork. By the time he was satisfied with his work, it could not possibly be recognized as a car.


The next morning he awoke, feeling quite satisfied with putting his nephews back in their place, when he heard them calling out to him from downstairs. They were calling for him to come out to the gardener's shed...they must have seen what happened to their beautiful new car, he thought with a smile, and so, downstairs he went, out into the back of the house. Just outside the shed, he found his nephews...not with looks of sadness and grief, but the most joyous smiles he'd ever seen on them. What was the meaning of this?!

The youngest of his nephews held out his hands...laying across his palms was a car's ignition key.

"Happy birthday, uncle!"

A holiday gift for everyone on Team Hatoful!

"How Shuu Stole Christmas"
A Hatoful Boyfriend-based parody of "How the Grinch Stole Christmas" by Dr. Seuss
Written by Will Rennar
Opening written by kjorteo
EDIT: And now with narration bydavidn!


Every Coo down in Cooville liked Christmas a lot,
But the murderous Hawk Party doctor did not.

Doctor Shuu hated Christmas! The whole Christmas season!
Now, please don't ask why. No one quite knows the reason.

It could be, perhaps, he was missing a neck
For his head to attach to. Did anyone check?
But I think that the most likely reason was that
His frame, just perhaps, was two sizes too fat.

But whatever the reason, his neck or his plump,
He stood there on Christmas Eve, ever the grump,
Staring down from his house with a dark, chukar frown
At the lovely birdhouses in the Coos’ little town.
For he knew every Coo down in Cooville below
Was out in their yards building birds out of snow.

“And they’re wrapping up gifts!” he growled with a sneer.
“Tomorrow is Christmas! It’s practically here!”
Then he grumbled, for once not quite feeling so clever.
“I MUST find a way to stop Christmas forever!”

For tomorrow, he knew, all the Coo squabs and squeakers
Would run down to the presents, straight out of their sneakers!
And THEN! With the thought making him lose his poise,
The whole day would be filled with just noise. Noise. Noise! NOISE!!

Then the Coos, house and nest, would gather for a feast!
And they’d feast! And they’d feast! And they’d feast, feast, feast, FEAST!!
They would feast upon pudding, and half-dead fried rice,
And massacred ramen, Shuu’s ULTIMATE vice!

And THEN, as the thought made him cringe, without fail,
Every Coo, there in Cooville, whether rock or fantail,
Would stand close together, with Christmas bells ringing.
They’d stand wing-in-wing, and the Coos would start singing!

They’d sing! And they’d sing! And they’d sing, sing, sing, SING!!

To Shuu, THAT one act made his blackened heart sting!
He thought to himself, “I must stop this whole thing!
For nine blasted years I’ve put up with it now!
I MUST stop this Christmas forever! …But HOW!?”

Then he got an idea.
An AWFUL idea.
DOCTOR SHUU GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!!

And that night, as the Coos slept soundly in their beds,
Shuu went down into Cooville…and he lopped off their heads.


(What, you were expecting a HAPPY ending!?)


Happy holidays, everybirdy. :]