My turn on the emotional roller coaster, I guess.

[xaq_the_aereon]

Panic, guilt, various bits of anger aimed both inward and outward...all such fun things to have when I'm trying to get ready for bed and I'm all alone with my thoughts. :/

The panic was brought on earlier tonight at a local Magic: the Gathering tournament. People were taking interest in a match I was in, gathered around the table to watch, and....well, I don't do well with being crowded around, especially when people whooping and hollering over plays they liked was added to the mix. Heavy crowds and loud noise are two things I, apparently, just cannot handle.

I genuinely had to forfeit the match and evacuate the building.

The guilt came from a few places, most recently an email I got roughly half an hour ago from the fraternity I'm part of. We were supposed to be taking a tour of the FedEx complex next Saturday, but they had to reschedule it at almost literally the last minute to tomorrow, the same day I and the others are supposed to be starting our Undertale voice-over. The tour will be starting around 1 PM local time...the recording's supposed to start at 2. So now I'm wracked with feelings of being responsible for the Undertale session not starting on time because I feel like I can't afford to not go to the FedEx thing, since it's an opportunity to get my foot in the door in a potential aviation-based career, make connections, and basically better my own future. I want to do the Undertale thing and entertain people, but I need to go to this for my own sake, and AAAAAAAAAAAGH!

Another bit of guilt I'm feeling involves my best, longest-known friend. He just recently have a break-up, and what am I doing? Getting an art commission from his ex. I feel like a complete dick for it, like I'm siding with her over him or something, like I'm betraying the best friend I've ever had.

The anger's....multifaceted. Part of me is pissed at myself because it feels I'm responsible for all this. Part of me's pissed at myself for feeling responsible for things I'm consciously aware of not needing to. Part of me's pissed at myself for daring to be going through all this when my friends are clearly having a rougher time of it than I am, so what right do I have to bitch?

Part of me's pissed my fraternity, FedEx, and fate for tossing a monkey wrench in plans we had for bringing entertainment and joy into people's lives. Part of me's just a mix of pissed and scared because I still haven't quite come down off the panic attack from earlier...haven't really had an opportunity to.

I genuinely want to just break down and cry right now, to be entirely honest...and for some reason I can't. I try to get the tears going, and it feels like they're stuck at the back of my throat. I try to opt for screaming instead, but that same feeling clogs my voice.

Typing all this and venting through written word seems to have helped a bit...the subconscious feelings are still there, but the physical tension and anguish are fading. Now I've just got an overall feeling of exhaustion, like I've got a dead battery.

...Brain's finally shutting up about all this. Thank God. Maybe it'll let me fall asleep at my desk and have something of a night's sleep. Hell, maybe it'll even give me just enough energy to toss myself about 2 feet to my right and onto my bed.

...I'm gonna shut up now. It's taking too much effort to even type straight.

Comments

[kjorteo]

Oh, geez, that's rough D: I wish I could help with all of that, but I can at least try on the ones that pertain to me, right?

Regarding the art commission, don't worry about it. It's fine, seriously. In fact, I'm glad you're still going through with it. I haven't yet gotten to tell you what actually happened to end our relationship (mostly due to it being something I prefer to do in one-on-one direct chatting type settings and, well, you're not on IM :P) but please believe me when I say that there was no bitterness or animosity at all. We still think very highly of each other, we still want to be friends someday, we're just... pausing for a bit before then because neither of us wants to rush into something prematurely when we might not be fully equipped to handle it yet. We'll be back when we're better, hopefully.

In the meantime, I promise you, you're not siding with anyone over anyone; there are no differing sides here. We're not pitted against each other at all. She is still a wonderful person and she still deserves all the support and business she can get as she continues the always-difficult path of trying to get her freelance art career off the ground. Honestly, I'd have felt guilty if you hadn't kept going forward with the commission, because I don't want to cost her any desperately-needed income. So, trust me, you're fine! You made a great choice as far as which artist to commission and I genuinely hope you like what you get from her. Heck, I may even want to see when it's done. :3

As far as the Undertale thing, don't worry about that, either! I know it's been a while since we did Holiday Star, but hopefully you still remember that delays because any one person couldn't make it that week happened all the time. Sometimes I threw a wrench in the team's plans to gather that week, sometimes Raven did, sometimes David did... actually, technically this whole thing should have kicked off last week but David was out of town, so it got bumped to today. If it gets bumped again, that's fine! We are all grown-adults with lives to lead and that is perfectly understandable. If this is something that can genuinely help your career, please take it and don't look back! I promise the team will still be here when you get back. Maybe we can do something later today, maybe tomorrow, maybe next week... whenever we're all ready. I look forward to it (as I'm sure we all do,) but remember that this is supposed to be for fun, first and foremost!

Edit: Also, bad times aren't a contest. I know that's a lot easier to say than to internalize, though. Hell, I kind of feel bad for how all over the place I'm taking all this when Zoey's the one who's really suffering right now. (Again, thank you so much for commissioning her so she at least has that much. <3) Everyone has it worse than someone. Don't worry about it. (Said Kjorteo, who could really stand to listen to his own advice.)

[xaq.livejournal.com]

Heh, yeah, I knew all that in my head already. I just have an impossible time reconciling all that on a subconscious level.

Still, thanks for confirming it, at least. Gives me a stronger stance to tell my brain to shut up about it at least. ^_^

[lupineangel.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry, man. It seems like we're all going through the wringer right now. Try and rest, and hopefully sleep will reset some of the turmoil and let you feel better in the morning. :S *hugs*

D.F.

[xaq.livejournal.com]

Yeah, I got to go through one more twist on the ride earlier today when the FedEx event turned out to be a complete bust, but I'm fine now.

*stomach growls, demanding food*

...Well, aside from that, anyway. O_o;